11 Dec The Christmas Vision that Shaped My Life

Christmas in the Harris household was always chaotic. There were five lively children and it was a race to get up as early as possible to open the presents. Mum and Dad were constantly deferring our knocks on the door in the morning darkness. Is it time yet??? 

We had much to look forward to. Our parents were generous with the gifts. Forget stockings – we had pillowcases! Mum had been shopping all year and the reward came in one big day. After a few hours diving into our pillowcases, the lounge-room was a mass of torn Christmas paper that had to be scooped up in garbage bags.

A Christmas Vision

Years later in my mid-twenties, the Holy Spirit would recall that scene in a vision. The vision took me back to Christmas morning. I saw myself as a girl of eight or nine years old, dressed in crumpled pyjamas and with long dishevelled hair from a restless night.

At the foot of the tree was a a pile of gifts tied with fat gold bows. I raced towards them, and seeing my name on the card of one, tore through its glossy paper. Enraptured, I turned the gift over and over, grasping it tightly to my chest.

In the vision I was also aware of my father, sitting in the armchair behind me watching the scene unfold. I saw him lean in to witness the grin on my face as I erupted in whoops of joy. But I didn’t turn around. I was too busy diving further into the pile, reaching for the next gift. He waited patiently, looking to catch my eye, a hint of sadness in his face. But I still didn’t turn around.

In that moment, I felt his heart:

“I have gifts for you that will fill you with joy. Blessings that you’ve hoped for and that been especially prepared for you. But what will you run to first? The gifts? Or to me – the Giver of them? 

The question caught me off-guard but I knew the answer well enough. Even though I knew that only God’s love could fill the deepest desires of my heart, there were other things I wanted badly – things I couldn’t imagine living without. I knew I could love God if he gave them to me, but what if he didn’t? Perhaps I wanted them too much.

So, I gave God the only answer I could honestly give. I would run to the gifts first.

God’s Good Gifts

God’s gifts are like no other. You know the feeling when someone gives you the gift you’ve always wanted? There’s nothing quite like it. You know it wasn’t given as an afterthought, because it was on sale or because it was re-gifted from last year’s stash. It was carefully and thoughtfully chosen, crafted and planned for. When you receive it, you feel seen and known. You feel loved.

God’s gifts are custom-designed to fulfil the desires of our hearts. Like a true father, one way God shows his love is through pouring out gifts for his children. No human gift comes close. As James, the early church leader wrote, God’s gifts are “good” and “perfect” – they come directly from the heart of a Father. (James 1:17)

The Giver or the Gifts?

Sadly however, God’s good gifts can become a problem for us. Those deep-seated desires that arrest our hearts have a tendency to become idols when we give them a place they were never designed to fill. It’s not the gifts themselves that are the problem – it’s what we attach to them. When they become our comfort; our treasure; our security or identity, they become toxic, entangling our motives, beguiling our worship and distorting our priorities. We come to love the gifts more than the Giver.

My Christmas vision warned me of the dangers of holding onto the gifts too tightly. It deeply convicted my heart and I responded with a cautious prayer, granting the Giver permission to work in my life so that I would learn to love him over any gift I might receive.

Looking back, I’ve seen God’s answer to that prayer time and time again. It started with my longing for a house and the call to surrender my hard-earned deposit in favour of ministry training. It continued with my longing for security and the call to leave my hometown. It continued again with my longing for acclamation and the call to relinquishment. It has ever stopped. As I look back, every area of my life has being laid down in surrender and then again and again at deeper levels. Each point of submission has brought tears and sacrifice, or in Jesus’ words, a dying to myself.

The surprise has been in the outcome. As I’ve laid my desires down, many of them have been graciously returned. But now, I experience them differently.  There’s joy yes, but they don’t feed my soul. No longer do they become a source of security, prestige or performance. God has graciously given them, but could just as easily take them away. In dying to them, I am free to enjoy them, and whenever I do, the joy leads me back to my Father.

Of course, the process of surrender isn’t complete. Seeking God’s kingdom above all else is an ongoing pursuit that will not end in this life. But the good gifts of God can never be substituted for the Giver himself.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? (Jesus, Matthew 16:25,26a)